Dear Client...

Dear Client, I find it hard to believe that when you were being arrested and you decided to give the cop false information, you just "happened" to give the cop a "fake" birthdate which coincidentally matches that of a guy with an open felony warrant from five years ago. It's also mindblowingly happenstance that said other guy has the same last name as you. What are the odds, huh? Either you're not a very good liar, or you're just really unlucky- PD

Dear Client...

Dear Client, Regardless of whether it's for personal medicinal use, growing marijuana in your apartment is a felony and getting caught with 10 marijuana plants will get you a LOT of jail time... just like last time. Out of curiousity though, how exactly do you grow marijuana in a project apartment without anyone noticing? Wait never mind, clearly someone did. Peace hippie, PD

Dear Client...

Dear Client, I know you want the judge to feel bad for you and let you out of jail because you were in the midst of rushing to your dying wife's bedside when you were arrested. But I'm sure he'd be more likely to sympathize with you had you not been caught copping 10 bags of heroin on the way to the hospital. Just sayin. -PD

I just wanna say...

This right here is child abuse. WHY does your 2 year old child know all of the words to a Waka Flocka Flame song?? And WHY does he have an iced out gold Stewie chain around his neck?? WHY do you think this is ok?? So many questions, so much ignorance.
I Can't...

Dear Client...

Dear Client, You're flirting awfully hard with me right now, and i know you may think we bonded because we're both Sagittariuses and we both guessed it about each other at the same time. But I assure you, the fact that you are my client makes you completely 100% unattractive to me. Especially from behind those rusty bars. See ya next lifetime, PD

Dear Client...

Dear Client, "The dog jumped out of the car window, I had to go get him" is NOT a good excuse for you to leave the scene after you just crashed into a parked car. Especially after the dog getting agitated in the back seat was the cause of the accident in the first place. Peace, PD

Dear Client...

Dear Client, It's very inappropriate to show up for court in a tshirt that says "It's not a beer belly, it's a fuel tank for a sex machine. It's especially inappropriate when your court appearance is for a charge of "Driving While Intoxicated" where your breathylizer blow was almost four times the legal limit. The judge doesn't think you're funny and neither do we. -PD
PS- it's bad enough what the shirt said, but did it HAVE to be bright yellow so the judge was sure to see it?? I mean did you plan that?

Dear Client...

Dear Client, So you gave your neighbor $500 as a down payment on the car he was trying to sell, but then when you couldn't pay in full, he wouldn't give your money back. Did it ever occur to you to go to Civil Court and sue him for the down payment?? I guess not, since you were too busy pouring gasoline all over the car and jacking up the paintjob. Well now not only did you get arrested, but you're not getting the car or your $500 back. So what have we learned from this? Don't worry, I'll wait. -PD

Dear Officer...

Dear Officer, So you got a 911 call from a ten year old that he was in the house with his grandmother and that she twisted his ear because he didnt clean his room. And you went to the house and decided to arrest a 60 year old woman and put her through the entire process from handcuffs to central booking to arraignment... for twisting her ten year old grandson's ear. I have to ask, was it that slow of a work shift for you??? Just wondering, PD