Dear Client...

Dear Client,
In case you didn't know, there is sort of an unwritten rule that if you buy certain things from the "neighborhood kid", there is a 99.999% chance those things are stolen. These things include, but are not limited to, televisions, DVD players, iPods, digital cameras, iguanas, Coach handbags, diamond necklaces, and those license plates you bought for $5 so you could move your unregistered car.

That's just for future reference.
-PD

Dear Client...

Dear Client, You just pled guilty to disorderly conduct in an assault case your wife filed against you where she accused you of punching her in the face and choking her. She asked for a limited order of protection because you both agreed that you want to continue your marital relationship and the rearing of your child. So why are you asking me if I'm involved and smiling seductively at me?? In my eyes, sir, you have about 23 strikes against you right now.

You've GOT to be kidding me,
-PD

Dear Client...

Dear Client,
You are my third client today who has had their girlfriend go apes*#t on them for "no apparent reason", slap them around and then call the police when they tried to defend themselves after "everything was cool" between you two just hours before. You're also my third client today who has said this isn't the first time this has happened. If you are all to be believed, then either you are all dating the same girl, or you're all attracted to crazy ass women. Either way, it's probably a good idea for you to break up with her. PMS is real.- PD

Dear Client

Dear Client,
I understand that you thought another driver spit on you through your open window while you were both sitting in traffic, but it was a really bad idea for you to get out of the car and go up to different cars waving a hammer and cursing in Korean. You're lucky the judge agreed to release you instead of ordering a mental health exam. Much love- PD

P.S. It was raining that day, wasn't it?

Dear Client...

Dear Client,
You're charged with stopping several lone male drivers outside of a gay club for the purpose of engaging in prostitution. The paperwork tells me that you're a 47 year old man and this is your first arrest. I don't know why, but I believe you when you tell me you weren't stopping them, they were stopping you and you were just waiting outside the club for your friends. I also appreciate you being so forthcoming with me as this is a pretty awkward situation for both of us, I'm sure. Signed- PD

P.S. That's a really nice dress you have on.

Dear Client...

Dear Client, For the entire year that I represented you on your criminal cases, you were rude, unappreciative, loud, nasty, ignorant, uncooperative, unremorseful, unapologetic, and unwilling to accept the many plea offers made to you, which were beyond fair. The last time we appeared in court to finally take a guilty plea with a sentence of a few hundred dollars, you made it clear to me that you "ain't finna pay dat fine. See if they catch my black ass first." Well now here you are, leaving me a voicemail message that you were arrested on a warrant for nonpayment and you'll be looking for me in court to defend you. To that, I say kick rocks clown, I don't represent "yo black ass" anymore. -Good luck with that, PD

Dear Client...

Dear Client, If you think that cursing and complaining just loud enough for the court officers to hear you about how long it's taking to see the judge is going to get them to call your case any faster, then by all means, my brother, kept right on cursing and complaining. I'll just let you know now that not only does it make you look ignorant, but I'm sure the officers took the time to find out who you are and make sure your case gets called dead last. I mean, that's what I would do. Sincerely, PD

Dear Client...

Dear Client, If you at 23 years old are going to be living in your mother's house, not working or going to school, when your mama tells you to get out of bed and hook the XBox up for your lil brother, get your ass up and do it. Don't start arguing with her and breaking stuff or you will get arrested and put out. - PD

Dear Client...

Dear Client, You made it quite clear that you think the D.A.'S offer of 90 days in jail for ticket scalping is "out of line". What's out of line, sir, is your 2 felony and 31 misdeamenor convictions. Living a life of crime is "out of line" and so is getting loud and rude at me when I'm merely trying to explain to you why the D.A. wants to offer you jail time. Jerk. -Your PD

Dear Client...

Dear Client, the fact that you've called me at least 5 times since this morning does not mean we are now familiar enough for you to refer to me as "hun", "sweetie", "babe" or my first name. I'm your lawyer, not your homegirl. Best- PD

Dear Client...

Dear Client, I find it hard to believe that when you were being arrested and you decided to give the cop false information, you just "happened" to give the cop a "fake" birthdate which coincidentally matches that of a guy with an open felony warrant from five years ago. It's also mindblowingly happenstance that said other guy has the same last name as you. What are the odds, huh? Either you're not a very good liar, or you're just really unlucky- PD

Dear Client...

Dear Client, Regardless of whether it's for personal medicinal use, growing marijuana in your apartment is a felony and getting caught with 10 marijuana plants will get you a LOT of jail time... just like last time. Out of curiousity though, how exactly do you grow marijuana in a project apartment without anyone noticing? Wait never mind, clearly someone did. Peace hippie, PD

Dear Client...

Dear Client, I know you want the judge to feel bad for you and let you out of jail because you were in the midst of rushing to your dying wife's bedside when you were arrested. But I'm sure he'd be more likely to sympathize with you had you not been caught copping 10 bags of heroin on the way to the hospital. Just sayin. -PD

Dear Client...

Dear Client, You're flirting awfully hard with me right now, and i know you may think we bonded because we're both Sagittariuses and we both guessed it about each other at the same time. But I assure you, the fact that you are my client makes you completely 100% unattractive to me. Especially from behind those rusty bars. See ya next lifetime, PD

Dear Client...

Dear Client, "The dog jumped out of the car window, I had to go get him" is NOT a good excuse for you to leave the scene after you just crashed into a parked car. Especially after the dog getting agitated in the back seat was the cause of the accident in the first place. Peace, PD

Dear Client...

Dear Client, It's very inappropriate to show up for court in a tshirt that says "It's not a beer belly, it's a fuel tank for a sex machine. It's especially inappropriate when your court appearance is for a charge of "Driving While Intoxicated" where your breathylizer blow was almost four times the legal limit. The judge doesn't think you're funny and neither do we. -PD
PS- it's bad enough what the shirt said, but did it HAVE to be bright yellow so the judge was sure to see it?? I mean did you plan that?

Dear Client...

Dear Client, So you gave your neighbor $500 as a down payment on the car he was trying to sell, but then when you couldn't pay in full, he wouldn't give your money back. Did it ever occur to you to go to Civil Court and sue him for the down payment?? I guess not, since you were too busy pouring gasoline all over the car and jacking up the paintjob. Well now not only did you get arrested, but you're not getting the car or your $500 back. So what have we learned from this? Don't worry, I'll wait. -PD

Dear Officer...

Dear Officer, So you got a 911 call from a ten year old that he was in the house with his grandmother and that she twisted his ear because he didnt clean his room. And you went to the house and decided to arrest a 60 year old woman and put her through the entire process from handcuffs to central booking to arraignment... for twisting her ten year old grandson's ear. I have to ask, was it that slow of a work shift for you??? Just wondering, PD

Dear Client...

Dear Client's Girlfriend,
I know I mentioned this before, but I feel the need to reiterate. I am not YOUR lawyer, I am your BOYFRIEND'S lawyer. The same boyfriend that you called the police on, falsely accused of threatening to kill you, and then told the police where he keeps an illegal shotgun in his house...because you were mad at him. Therefore, don't be asking me not to show him the signed, sworn statement that YOU wrote out for the police which caused him to get arrested and charged with three misdemeanors. He has a right to see all of the evidence against him, regardless of whether you want to drop the charges now. Kick rocks, His PD

P.S. No I will NOT tell him for you that you're sorry and you are afraid he won't want you anymore after this. If I were him, I wouldn't either. And stop calling him. If you make him violate the order of protection, it's gonna be me and you.

Dear Client...

Dear Client, having an older brother myself, I realize there is a very limited number of reasons why punching your brother in the face would be somewhat acceptable. Him forgetting a line or two from the Sabbath prayer over the dinner table is sadly not one of those reasons. And I'm sure your Mum and Dad didnt appreciate you turning the table over and storming out of the house afterward either. Mazel Tov!!- PD