Dear Client...

Dear Client,
In case you didn't know, there is sort of an unwritten rule that if you buy certain things from the "neighborhood kid", there is a 99.999% chance those things are stolen. These things include, but are not limited to, televisions, DVD players, iPods, digital cameras, iguanas, Coach handbags, diamond necklaces, and those license plates you bought for $5 so you could move your unregistered car.

That's just for future reference.
-PD

Dear Client...

Dear Client, You just pled guilty to disorderly conduct in an assault case your wife filed against you where she accused you of punching her in the face and choking her. She asked for a limited order of protection because you both agreed that you want to continue your marital relationship and the rearing of your child. So why are you asking me if I'm involved and smiling seductively at me?? In my eyes, sir, you have about 23 strikes against you right now.

You've GOT to be kidding me,
-PD

Dear Client...

Dear Client,
You are my third client today who has had their girlfriend go apes*#t on them for "no apparent reason", slap them around and then call the police when they tried to defend themselves after "everything was cool" between you two just hours before. You're also my third client today who has said this isn't the first time this has happened. If you are all to be believed, then either you are all dating the same girl, or you're all attracted to crazy ass women. Either way, it's probably a good idea for you to break up with her. PMS is real.- PD

Dear Client

Dear Client,
I understand that you thought another driver spit on you through your open window while you were both sitting in traffic, but it was a really bad idea for you to get out of the car and go up to different cars waving a hammer and cursing in Korean. You're lucky the judge agreed to release you instead of ordering a mental health exam. Much love- PD

P.S. It was raining that day, wasn't it?

Dear Client...

Dear Client,
You're charged with stopping several lone male drivers outside of a gay club for the purpose of engaging in prostitution. The paperwork tells me that you're a 47 year old man and this is your first arrest. I don't know why, but I believe you when you tell me you weren't stopping them, they were stopping you and you were just waiting outside the club for your friends. I also appreciate you being so forthcoming with me as this is a pretty awkward situation for both of us, I'm sure. Signed- PD

P.S. That's a really nice dress you have on.

Dear Client...

Dear Client, For the entire year that I represented you on your criminal cases, you were rude, unappreciative, loud, nasty, ignorant, uncooperative, unremorseful, unapologetic, and unwilling to accept the many plea offers made to you, which were beyond fair. The last time we appeared in court to finally take a guilty plea with a sentence of a few hundred dollars, you made it clear to me that you "ain't finna pay dat fine. See if they catch my black ass first." Well now here you are, leaving me a voicemail message that you were arrested on a warrant for nonpayment and you'll be looking for me in court to defend you. To that, I say kick rocks clown, I don't represent "yo black ass" anymore. -Good luck with that, PD

Dear Client...

Dear Client, If you think that cursing and complaining just loud enough for the court officers to hear you about how long it's taking to see the judge is going to get them to call your case any faster, then by all means, my brother, kept right on cursing and complaining. I'll just let you know now that not only does it make you look ignorant, but I'm sure the officers took the time to find out who you are and make sure your case gets called dead last. I mean, that's what I would do. Sincerely, PD

Dear Client...

Dear Client, If you at 23 years old are going to be living in your mother's house, not working or going to school, when your mama tells you to get out of bed and hook the XBox up for your lil brother, get your ass up and do it. Don't start arguing with her and breaking stuff or you will get arrested and put out. - PD

Dear Client...

Dear Client, You made it quite clear that you think the D.A.'S offer of 90 days in jail for ticket scalping is "out of line". What's out of line, sir, is your 2 felony and 31 misdeamenor convictions. Living a life of crime is "out of line" and so is getting loud and rude at me when I'm merely trying to explain to you why the D.A. wants to offer you jail time. Jerk. -Your PD

Dear Client...

Dear Client, the fact that you've called me at least 5 times since this morning does not mean we are now familiar enough for you to refer to me as "hun", "sweetie", "babe" or my first name. I'm your lawyer, not your homegirl. Best- PD