While I'm figuring this blog thing out...

Here are some of my past "Dear Client" posts to tide you over for a bit :-)

• Dear Client, So you pled guilty to possession of marijuana and the judge gave you til early April to pay the fine. Instead of coming back in April, you blew off your court date and went to Puerto Rico for 3 weeks, and now you're back 2 months later with no $. See the look I'm giving you right now? That's the same look the judge will give you before she puts you in jail. Best, Defender of the Public

• Dear Client, so yea... you ran 2 red lights, hit three parked cars and when the police finally stopped you and gave you a breathylizer test, you blew a .30% (which is almost four times the legal limit). Three questions: 1) what the hell were you drinking? 2) How are you still even alive?? and 3) You don't REALLY think the judge is going to give your license back, do you?? Best, Your Loyal PD

• Dear Client, Ok so we all know you're really drunk right now based on the fact you smell like a distillery and you've been yelling at the court officers all morning, then yelled at the judge about what you "aint finna' do". Add to that the fact you're a very large Black guy... please understand you're about 10 seconds from getting tased in this courtroom, and with no one to blame but yourself. Best, PD4U

• Dear Client's Friend, I don't care if you havent seen your homey since you were 13 and now you happen upon him him in the court hallway with me. I'm discussing his case with him, don't ask me if you can holla at him for a minute. He's facing 3 years in jail. This aint the time for yawl to catch up. Kick rocks, Your Homey's PD

• Dear Client, when your child is being arrested for punching other kids in the face at a school she doesn't even attend, it is never a good idea to grab an officer's hand while yelling "Getcho hands off mah chile!" It's pretty much a guarantee that you will get beaten up and arrested, which you already well know. Much love (and speedy recovery), Your PD

• Dear Client, I told you that your case would be dismissed in 6 months & u wont have a criminal record if you do 1 day of community service. The judge told you the same. You then went home and spoke to your "friend" who somehow convinced you that you pled guilty and will have a criminal record. Do yourself a favor; stop listening to your "friend". I am your lawyer. Your "friend" is stupid. Love, Your PD

• Dear Client, I know you must think you're pretty well versed in the penal law, seeing as you've been locked up about 15 or 20 times for various charges and various lengths of time. But I'ma need you to stop calling me from the law library at Rikers and asking me to put in all types of motions that don't apply in the context of your case. I'm glad you're getting some reading in, but really, bruh... I got this. With love, Your Loyal PD 

• Dear Client. You've been arrested over 25 times and convicted 21 times for petit larceny and criminal possession of stolen property. My advice to you? Stop stealing. You really suck at it. Smooches, Me the PD

• Dear Client, Pull your damned pants up. Thanks, PD