Dear Client...

Dear Client,
You are my third client today who has had their girlfriend go apes*#t on them for "no apparent reason", slap them around and then call the police when they tried to defend themselves after "everything was cool" between you two just hours before. You're also my third client today who has said this isn't the first time this has happened. If you are all to be believed, then either you are all dating the same girl, or you're all attracted to crazy ass women. Either way, it's probably a good idea for you to break up with her. PMS is real.- PD

Dear Client

Dear Client,
I understand that you thought another driver spit on you through your open window while you were both sitting in traffic, but it was a really bad idea for you to get out of the car and go up to different cars waving a hammer and cursing in Korean. You're lucky the judge agreed to release you instead of ordering a mental health exam. Much love- PD

P.S. It was raining that day, wasn't it?

Dear Client...

Dear Client,
You're charged with stopping several lone male drivers outside of a gay club for the purpose of engaging in prostitution. The paperwork tells me that you're a 47 year old man and this is your first arrest. I don't know why, but I believe you when you tell me you weren't stopping them, they were stopping you and you were just waiting outside the club for your friends. I also appreciate you being so forthcoming with me as this is a pretty awkward situation for both of us, I'm sure. Signed- PD

P.S. That's a really nice dress you have on.

Dear Client...

Dear Client, For the entire year that I represented you on your criminal cases, you were rude, unappreciative, loud, nasty, ignorant, uncooperative, unremorseful, unapologetic, and unwilling to accept the many plea offers made to you, which were beyond fair. The last time we appeared in court to finally take a guilty plea with a sentence of a few hundred dollars, you made it clear to me that you "ain't finna pay dat fine. See if they catch my black ass first." Well now here you are, leaving me a voicemail message that you were arrested on a warrant for nonpayment and you'll be looking for me in court to defend you. To that, I say kick rocks clown, I don't represent "yo black ass" anymore. -Good luck with that, PD

Dear Client...

Dear Client, If you think that cursing and complaining just loud enough for the court officers to hear you about how long it's taking to see the judge is going to get them to call your case any faster, then by all means, my brother, kept right on cursing and complaining. I'll just let you know now that not only does it make you look ignorant, but I'm sure the officers took the time to find out who you are and make sure your case gets called dead last. I mean, that's what I would do. Sincerely, PD

Dear Client...

Dear Client, If you at 23 years old are going to be living in your mother's house, not working or going to school, when your mama tells you to get out of bed and hook the XBox up for your lil brother, get your ass up and do it. Don't start arguing with her and breaking stuff or you will get arrested and put out. - PD

Dear Client...

Dear Client, You made it quite clear that you think the D.A.'S offer of 90 days in jail for ticket scalping is "out of line". What's out of line, sir, is your 2 felony and 31 misdeamenor convictions. Living a life of crime is "out of line" and so is getting loud and rude at me when I'm merely trying to explain to you why the D.A. wants to offer you jail time. Jerk. -Your PD

Dear Client...

Dear Client, the fact that you've called me at least 5 times since this morning does not mean we are now familiar enough for you to refer to me as "hun", "sweetie", "babe" or my first name. I'm your lawyer, not your homegirl. Best- PD

Dear Client...

Dear Client, I find it hard to believe that when you were being arrested and you decided to give the cop false information, you just "happened" to give the cop a "fake" birthdate which coincidentally matches that of a guy with an open felony warrant from five years ago. It's also mindblowingly happenstance that said other guy has the same last name as you. What are the odds, huh? Either you're not a very good liar, or you're just really unlucky- PD

Dear Client...

Dear Client, Regardless of whether it's for personal medicinal use, growing marijuana in your apartment is a felony and getting caught with 10 marijuana plants will get you a LOT of jail time... just like last time. Out of curiousity though, how exactly do you grow marijuana in a project apartment without anyone noticing? Wait never mind, clearly someone did. Peace hippie, PD

Dear Client...

Dear Client, I know you want the judge to feel bad for you and let you out of jail because you were in the midst of rushing to your dying wife's bedside when you were arrested. But I'm sure he'd be more likely to sympathize with you had you not been caught copping 10 bags of heroin on the way to the hospital. Just sayin. -PD

I just wanna say...

This right here is child abuse. WHY does your 2 year old child know all of the words to a Waka Flocka Flame song?? And WHY does he have an iced out gold Stewie chain around his neck?? WHY do you think this is ok?? So many questions, so much ignorance.
I Can't...

Dear Client...

Dear Client, You're flirting awfully hard with me right now, and i know you may think we bonded because we're both Sagittariuses and we both guessed it about each other at the same time. But I assure you, the fact that you are my client makes you completely 100% unattractive to me. Especially from behind those rusty bars. See ya next lifetime, PD

Dear Client...

Dear Client, "The dog jumped out of the car window, I had to go get him" is NOT a good excuse for you to leave the scene after you just crashed into a parked car. Especially after the dog getting agitated in the back seat was the cause of the accident in the first place. Peace, PD

Dear Client...

Dear Client, It's very inappropriate to show up for court in a tshirt that says "It's not a beer belly, it's a fuel tank for a sex machine. It's especially inappropriate when your court appearance is for a charge of "Driving While Intoxicated" where your breathylizer blow was almost four times the legal limit. The judge doesn't think you're funny and neither do we. -PD
PS- it's bad enough what the shirt said, but did it HAVE to be bright yellow so the judge was sure to see it?? I mean did you plan that?

Dear Client...

Dear Client, So you gave your neighbor $500 as a down payment on the car he was trying to sell, but then when you couldn't pay in full, he wouldn't give your money back. Did it ever occur to you to go to Civil Court and sue him for the down payment?? I guess not, since you were too busy pouring gasoline all over the car and jacking up the paintjob. Well now not only did you get arrested, but you're not getting the car or your $500 back. So what have we learned from this? Don't worry, I'll wait. -PD

Dear Officer...

Dear Officer, So you got a 911 call from a ten year old that he was in the house with his grandmother and that she twisted his ear because he didnt clean his room. And you went to the house and decided to arrest a 60 year old woman and put her through the entire process from handcuffs to central booking to arraignment... for twisting her ten year old grandson's ear. I have to ask, was it that slow of a work shift for you??? Just wondering, PD

Dear Client...

Dear Client's Girlfriend,
I know I mentioned this before, but I feel the need to reiterate. I am not YOUR lawyer, I am your BOYFRIEND'S lawyer. The same boyfriend that you called the police on, falsely accused of threatening to kill you, and then told the police where he keeps an illegal shotgun in his house...because you were mad at him. Therefore, don't be asking me not to show him the signed, sworn statement that YOU wrote out for the police which caused him to get arrested and charged with three misdemeanors. He has a right to see all of the evidence against him, regardless of whether you want to drop the charges now. Kick rocks, His PD

P.S. No I will NOT tell him for you that you're sorry and you are afraid he won't want you anymore after this. If I were him, I wouldn't either. And stop calling him. If you make him violate the order of protection, it's gonna be me and you.

"They Never Read Me My Rights, Miss!!"

I swear I wish I had a dollar for every client who has repeated this exact same phrase to me. Most often, they tell me this after the DA has handed me a notice of some crazy sounding statement that my client made to the police in the midst of being arrested. Some of my favorites...

• "Yea I punched her. I'd have killed her if I had to. I love my son." (spoken by a man arrested for domestic violence against his wife).
• "I smoked a half hour before I got into the car." (spoken by a man arrested for driving under the influence of drugs)
• " In my country, it's ok to have a few drinks before you drive. It's not like I'm drunk or something!" (spoken by a woman arrested for driving under the influence of alcohol)
• "I'm getting arrested for this?? Well tell him when I get out of jail, I'ma REALLY whoop his ass!!" (spoken by a man arrested for assault on a neighbor)

You get the idea. But the funny thing about it (not so funny for me because I end up being the one that has to clean up the mess), is that my clients are so quick to talk about their Miranda rights after they get arrested, but if they knew that had these rights, why didn't they exercise them in the FIRST place?? Everyone has watched enough television to know that "You have the right to remain silent, anything you say can and WILL be used against you..." We all know this part verbatim, regardless of what the rest of the Miranda rights say. So how come nobody ever decides to STFU when it counts??

The number one answer I get from clients is "I was trying to be honest with the cop, I thought it would help." Ok, I get that but umm, if you were doing something wrong in the first place, why do you think you'd get yourself OUT of trouble by telling the truth?? Don't you remember when you were ten and your mom told you "Just tell me who broke the window. If you tell me the truth, I wont get mad and you won't get spanked"? And didn't you fall for it and tell the truth that you broke the window? And didn't she whoop the flames out of your behind anyway?? Yea, it's kind of like that. Of course a cop is going to put on the buddy voice, act like he's leveling with you, make it sound like you can talk your way out of trouble if you keep talking, and all the while, all the talking you're doing is just helping him build a case against you. His whole job is to arrest you and find evidence to incriminate you of wrongdoing, why in the world would you do anything to make it easier for him? I'm just sayin...

The truth about Miranda Rights though is that regardless of whether the officer reads them to you, there's a 90% chance you'll be on the hook for whatever incriminating things you say. If a cop approaches you and asks "So what happened here?" or "I smell weed, were you smoking?" or "Is this knife/car/bag of coke yours?" and you answer that question, the DA is allowed to use that statement against you because the cop's questions were "of an investigative nature". That's basically a loophole that gets the prosecution around the Miranda issue. You have to actually be in police custody and under arrest in order for Miranda rights to kick in (you're not under arrest yet if the officer pulls you over and asks about the weed smell). Usually, by the time the handcuffs go on, the cop already knows all he needs to know and has written down any statements you've made, so he doesnt need to read you Miranda since he doesn't need you to say anything else.

So basically the best thing to do in a situation where it looks likely you'll be arrested is to either shut the hell up and not admit to anything, or to talk about what someone ELSE did, not what you did (ie if you got into a fight, it's all about how the OTHER guy punched you in the face and hit you with a beer bottle. You were just blocking).

Dear Client...

Dear Client, having an older brother myself, I realize there is a very limited number of reasons why punching your brother in the face would be somewhat acceptable. Him forgetting a line or two from the Sabbath prayer over the dinner table is sadly not one of those reasons. And I'm sure your Mum and Dad didnt appreciate you turning the table over and storming out of the house afterward either. Mazel Tov!!- PD

Dear Client...

Dear Client, when the police caught and arrested you, they found a large ziplock bag with 25 small baggies of weed on the ground nearby. The first thing you said to the cop was "It's mine, it's for personal use" eventhough you know damn well you were posted up on the block trying to sell. Not to mention you have prior convictions for drug sales. Good job admitting possession, dude. Effin brilliant.- PD

Dear Client...

Dear Client, when you beat up your wife in front of your kids, no one is amused by you telling the police "Yea, I smacked her around because I was bored." Especially when the judge presiding over your arraignment is a woman. So in case you were wondering why she set bail on you even though it's your first arrest, yes, it's because you aren't funny. Keep your mouth shut next time, -PD

Dear Client...

Dear Client, Please don't call me from jail, start the conversation with "So another inmate told me..." and then follow that up by questioning my advice to you. The fact that the other person is in jail in the first place means 1) she probably hasn't made the best decisions up to now, 2) she's probably not very smart or she wouldn't have done whatever she did AND gotten caught, and 3) she's not your lawyer and doesn't have a file 2 inches thick about the specifics of your case. I think I know just a little bit more than she does about what's all going on here and I'd appreciate it if you gave me a little more credit than you give some random other inmate. Please and thanks- PD

Dear Client... (2 parter)

Part I

Dear Client, Please don't ask me again why the judge told you you're not eligible for a public defender and you have to hire a private attorney. It's because the first time you came to court, you were wearing a full length mink coat, carrying a Gucci purse and matching wallet, and rocking a huge diamong engagement ring. If you want someone to believe you're broke, maybe it'd be a good idea to stop being so damn flashy.

Good luck with your case,

[Not Your] PD [No Mo']

Part Deux

Dear Client, So you learned your lesson from the last court appearance and THIS time you came to court looking raggedy with welfare papers and a 3 year old child in tow. Well played, ma'am. Well played.

Back on the case :(,

PD

Dear Client...

Dear Client, Just because you told your girlfriend to give the police a fake name when you beat her up THIS time doesn't mean you're off the hook. You know why? Because the last 3 times you beat her up, she gave her real name, and the DA has all the records of those incidents and basically put 2 and 2 together. That and, since she doesn't speak English, the neighbor who translated for her to the police told them her REAL name. You aint slick, -PD

Dear Client...

Dear Client, I really don't care that you're a "confidential informant fa' da' NYPD homicide bureau". The cops that arrested you didn't care, the DA doesnt care, and the judge that just set bail on you clearly doesn't care. You hold no weight behind these bars, so stop looking for some to throw around. Best, PD

SURVEY SAYS..... JUSTIFIED

Seattle Cop Deemed Justified In Punching Teen Girl In the Eye

http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-504083_162-20008037-504083.html

SEATTLE (CBS/KIRO/AP) Apparently they take jaywalking very seriously in Seattle.

The Seattle Police Officers' Guild is saying Patrol Officer Ian P. Walsh was justified in punching a 17-year-old girl in the face after she shoved him during a dispute over jaywalking. Rich O'Neil, president of the Officers' Guild, said that Walsh used "appropriate" force when he punched the teen during a struggle with the teen and another woman, 19-year-old Marilyn Levias, according to local station KCPQ.

Check the rest of the article, as well as a longer version of the video that starts earlier in the incident, after the jump

Children Are A Gift From GOD... But Some People Deserve Coal Instead

Runaway NJ Mom Surrenders To Police

JERSEY CITY, N.J. (CBS)

http://http://wcbstv.com/local/dashnay.beckwith.jersey.2.1759218.html

The Jersey City mother accused of leaving her three kids home alone has turned herself into police. Dashnay Beckwith is charged with neglect and child endangerment.

The Jersey City mother accused of leaving her three kids home alone has turned herself into police. Dashnay Beckwith is charged with neglect and child endangerment. Her two, three and six-year-old sons were all found Tuesday on their apartment balcony naked and without food. Beckwith claims she left the children alone to go on a job interview. Deputy Police Chief Peter Nalbach said the 6-year-old actually tried covering for his mother:

Dear Client...

Dear Defendant, How is it that you can't remember your lawyer's name or what he/she looks like?? Now I don't know from experience, but it seems to me that if ever I were roughed up by the police, handcuffed and arrested, accused of a crime and made to stand in front of a judge to defend myself against the charges, I'd be sure to remember the name and face of the only person on my side. That's just me though. -PD

Dear Client...

Dear Client, I know you don't want to miss your case being called in front of the judge, but that is really no excuse to crouch down in the back corner of the courtroom with your three year old son while he urinates into a poland spring bottle. That's just nasty, and the bathroom is right up the hall. Signed, PD

So... how do we feel about this?

I'm sure we all have heard about and/or seen by now the video of the Seattle police officer who got into err... a bit of a scuffle with two Black teenagers earlier this week (and on Martin Luther King Jr Way, of ALL places. Why is there ALWAYS some violence going down on MLKJr. Street/Boulevard/Avenue/Way, no matter what city it's in??) Anyway, if you havent seen it yet, check the video below after the jump

Today's "Pissed Off" Moment

*slide soapbox out from under my desk and stands atop*

 

     First of all, let me just say that I am a public defender. While I understand that not all of my clients are innocent of whatever they are accused of doing, it is my job and my DUTY as their attorney to represent them zealously and to the best of my ability. When I represent a client, I'm not just trying to "get them off", I am trying to get them the disposition that best serves them and the interests of justice at the same time. It's not just about getting their case over with or getting one more file off of my desk. It's about serving the needs of my client in whatever way possible just as the DA purports to serve the needs of "The People" in penalizing my client for what he or she may or may not have actually done.

     That being said, jail is not the answer to every damn problem. When I see a client who has a pattern of behavior that suggests a psychological, substance abuse or other such problem, I cannot just stand by while the DA offers them jail time on a guilty plea, and acts as if he's doing them a favor because it's only 15 or 30 days and "they would get up to a year if they went to trial". Thirty days sitting in a cell is not going to rehabilitate someone with a mental illness. Thirty days sitting in a cell is not going to make a drug addict magically free of his addiction. All thirty days in jail will do is keep my client busy and yet unproductive for thirty days on the tax payer's dime when in many cases they'd be better served by some type of services or program. And does the DA care? Highly unlikely since that plea to thirty days in jail gets another case off of his desk.  I can't just accept that, and quite frankly, it pisses me off.

     I had a phone conference with a DA today about my client "Joyce" who was arrested and charged with assaulting and endangering the welfare her 3 year old daughter by spanking her. Joyce is no saint, she has a number of convictions for drug possession before 2000 and she's done several months in jail on those crimes. By the grace of God, she seems to have overcome her addiction, but her most recent contact was in the early 2000s when she was found guilty of endangering the welfare of her older child. The criminal court, family court and ACS systems have all been involved, and now on her current case, she finds herself sitting in jail with a ten month sentence hanging over her head. Joyce calls me everyday asking me if the judge might let her out of jail and allow her to do parenting skills and counseling programs. She's BEGGING for these programs and wants to eventually be able to reunite with her children who are now in foster care. She does not want to sit in jail (no one does really) if she could be getting the help that she needs to be a better parent on the outside.

     So I explain all of this to the DA, and for as many reasons as I give him why Joyce should be offered a plea with a program instead of jail time, he gives me a reason why she should stay in Rikers for another 6 months. In actuality, not only were his arguments not very good, they all gave strength to MY side. Him:  "She has numerous drug convictions." Right, because up until 2000, she had a drug problem which she was able to overcome with *surprise* a drug program. Before the program, she was in and out of jail, which didn't help anything. Him: "Her last conviction was for endangering the welfare of her other child and she did 3 months in jail for that and lost her child." Uh huh, which clearly shows that jail didn't serve her because she's back in the same position right now. What would serve her is if she can go somewhere and learn to be a better parent and caregiver to her children, who she loves and wants to reunite with down the road. She understands it is not a simple, easy or quick process, but it is something that she absolutely, unequivocally wants to do.

     The penal system is supposed to be a correctional and disciplinary construct, aimed more at rehabilitation than punishment (correct me if I'm wrong). Why then are the rehabilitative resources being withheld in favor of useless incarceration that will turn out defendants who likely will know no better than when they went in? Why do these resources even exist if the very people who need them are being denied access because of their past behavior that directly shows that they need these resources? I bet if I walked into a center and said "I want to learn how to be a good parent, sign me up for something!" and I don't even have a child, they would fall over themselves to get me enrolled. Yet there are countless children who are already living and being shuffled from foster home to foster home because mommy/daddy don't know how to take care of them and no one is willing to teach them. Something about that doesn't seem at all justice-like.

     Maybe the judge will see my point of view. I'll make sure to take my soapbox with me on Joyce's next court date.

While I'm figuring this blog thing out...

Here are some of my past "Dear Client" posts to tide you over for a bit :-)

Intro Intro Intro Intro....

Ok, so more than likely if you've found this blog, it means you know me from Facebook (or heard about it from someone who does) and have (or know someone who has) become a fan, a commenter or, (at the very least) a non hater of my occasional "Dear Client" status posts. You've (or someone you know has) enjoyed me chronicling my daily run ins with the ridiculous criminal dabbling of the indigent masses, and a lot of you have suggested I write a book or a blog to keep the posts coming more regularly...

And so it was.

This blog will be a substitute, nay, an extension of those facebook posts and other job related junk I feel the desire to write about on an occasional basis. If it makes me laugh, I'll post about it. If it gets a strong side eye from me, I'll post about it. If it pisses me off, best believe I'll post about it. I can't promise it will all be funny, but hey, can't please everyone lol.

As I recently posted on FB, I've decided to stop updating my statuses there with "Dear Client" posts because I don't want to be at my desk everyday looking over my shoulder and fearing I'll get in trouble with my employer or the Bar. FB has been ruining careers at an alarming rate lately and I'm not trying to have you read about me in the news for getting fired over a damn status update. As such I'd ask that you all feel free to comment on anything you see here, but leave my real name or any other identifying info out of your comments (especially those of you who know me personally). I obviously cannot go into too much detail about the people, places, or situations I post about because it's all truth and things I ACTUALLY have to deal with/put up with/ stomach on a regular basis (I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried).

That's about all for now, so I just ask that you guys be patient with me as I feel my way around this blogging thing. Once I get used to it, I'll do my best to update regularly.
Happy reading!